I want to share something with you about my experience of the year we Westerners call 2018. On many levels it will be just like things you experience, and in many ways it will be different. That’s always true, though, for us humans isn’t it? But there’s both the usual, and then maybe a little less-than-usual.
Often this year I found myself saying “I’m too human…I’m drowning in being too human”. I could have applied that feeling to most of my living life, and that has become a large part of the Awakening journey; a major aspect of what caused the awakening to take place.
Whatever the formula is for feeling that sentiment and just continuing to truck along as humans do, versus feeling that sentiment on the level that literally changes one’s entire world and reality? I remain as uncertain as the next - mostly.
But since I first stated around 2010-2011 that something must be off - that something must not be right in this whole…thing called life - the answers that I didn’t know I was seeking immediately reshaped my core infrastructure into quite supernatural events. And since then there has been no way of going back to the “normal” world. No matter how hard I tried, from a very capable place amongst the living.
Every now and then since that literally game-changing shift began, I go into a Void: a place of not “here” and not “there”. It’s an increasingly comfortable place for me, and one I can easily call Home. The problem with that is in wrestling with being alive, when I know what and where the escape route is; that we don’t have to do any of this life thing and that opting out will definitively not be a punitive gesture.
2018 has been the most magical, manifesting year of my intentional life to date. Movies are made about this much magic! On the basis of “WOW” alone, I can’t imagine life being more worth sticking around for. And yet, I’ve felt “too human” for my own taste. And why is that?
Largely because since 2011 I’ve been able to ride the incredible waves of Universal energies in an exponentially large level of mastery - becoming one, literally, with the Divine in whichever ways we have chosen to call It across cultures and time. But in 2018? It’s as if the off switch was flicked and I was tossed head first back into the cesspool of life that I actually never really loved to begin with.
I may have missed a total of 7 days of my daily meditations this year, and most of those were because I was in shamanic diets that did the work for me 24 hours/day while in the processes of deep self work. Still - how I went from the sensory place of Samadhi on most of my daily meditations for years to barely being able to stay out of thought for 10 minutes of quiet has been part of a very confusing story for an entire year.
Mixed in was a tumultuous go at emotional clearing for weeks, and then small breaks, and then more weeks…all sprinkled with a lot of grinding landscaping work for months, and topped off with grinding interpersonal interactions at least 32 hours/week. You see, this was exactly what I had largely learned to transcend. So why would the Universe call me back to the land of human? What Master has ever knowingly done that?
Maybe many. Maybe most. Who’s to know?
This has been compounded with engaging in another intimate relationship, on top of the previous that I still maintain though not necessarily intimately. Getting to know others on a full-time basis naturally leads to more self-realization, when applied through openness. But still - it’s a relationship and it doesn’t always call for the enlightened approach. It’s human. We are human, no matter our level of consciousness.
So I suppose 2018 has put me deep into the ocean of criticism I’ve long aimed at “gurus”…”masters”. I didn’t know that I wanted such an entrenched education on the questions of “human versus transcendental” that I’ve long shared with many others.
I feel that I am ending my education as 2018 has presented it, and that I don’t know that I’ve done well if we are keeping a grade sheet. But how does one judge that, or justify such a judgment to begin with? Being alive is supposed to be easy, and perhaps few are aware of that in the ways that I am - whoever “I” am, to begin or end with.
At this pace, I don’t know that I have much more of the mundane livelihood left in me, to be truthful. But in saying that, where does this leave the next steps as “I” am to walk them? It’s as if I was taken back to my entire four years of high school and walked through them all at the speed of only one calendar year. Music included.
Every part of my mind and body feel exasperated, and yet the merger of my mind-body-spirit feels a sense of completion that didn’t exist before. Interestingly, I have a profound love of living that I’ve never before had, likely not even in other lives if I am seeing them correctly. I love people, I love the dramas we can create - do create so masterfully. I love feeling love of varying types. And somehow I love that I’m ending this calendar year sick; just as I began it.
I’m sharing this with you here - a surrender. I’m asking the Universe to guide me out of this at this time and into whatever it is I came to “be”. It is doubtful to be just human, based off of the ways I connect with Universal flow and Truth. And the radar holds a journey to the one place I’ve long felt a need to be in but always get so close to but so far away from: India. Only this time, I really don’t desire to go.
Probably because the shift it is going to bring me, based off of my visions in dreamland this past week, is the answer I’ve sought: how to merge Human and Heaven. In one body-mind-spirit. How to be it All, and to not be straddling one side of the fence to the dismay of the other. I’ve really faced this year the dissent I’ve always had for the Divine, right from January forward and then played back to me through so many people.
As well, I’ve faced the condemnation of the human I’ve had my entire life, by participating in it so deeply again - only vaguely knowing “Me” of the Divine nature. I have felt so lost, my friends, this entire calendar year. Yet - I’ve been gifted so much magic and clear signs of my True Self. I can’t deny this, from even the most sorrowful of places. That is a huge gain, in terms of evolution from Divine Energy to Human Form to recollection of the Divine Self from within the Human Form.
Here and now, in the continuum humans call time and space, I surrender to the flow intended. I surrender the former hatred of human and humans that I long carried as some act of perceived divine nobility: because no real Master would anything but love deeply every minute, dramatic aspect of this thing called Life.
I also surrender the former disdain for the Divine, from a place of self-hatred due to feeling lost….dualistic. In short, my friends, I surrender to you all my duality. You may have it and do with it what you wish…what humans always do with duality. The same things I have always done with duality. Love/Hate. It is all yours. And if you do not want it? Join me in going into non-duality, where everything is bright and amazing and filled with mirth of the Masters.
I give over the “knowing” I so long felt I had, and open myself to receiving Presence. Just being. Whatever that may mean. And if I am to remain in the body, from this moment forward I call in all the magic that I was only scratching the surface of this past year. Unlimited abundance of partners, money, play, happiness, travel…all of it. I call in Me - the Divine “Me” - that came to show the full evolution from human to Master.
I am here, and I am bowing deeply to you the reader and to you who will never see this. I bow to Me. I bow to Us. And I bow to Life and the Living. I Am Namaste. And I offer it to you, and to the Universe, and to the New we are all creating wherein suffering no longer is the “Way”.
Thank you for being part of my journey. And like a rocket sheds its boosters so it can fly, I am shedding all that launched me into Me, yet not forgetting nor regretting nor dishonoring the fires that lit my departure.
Let’s Play a Game.
Melmin - Wind